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Snow FALL

by Cowboy Bob Sorensen  December 2 was the first snow accumulation for our area of New York state, with a range of accumulations. Some were a couple of inches, higher elevations got more. We had about five inches. When I went to work at seven in the A of M...nothing. I scoffed, as they were wrong many times before. When I came out at two PM, it was a challenge to get to the car in the parking lot. I flailed and landed on the snow-packed pavement on my right side. 6 AM December 3, less swelling but more color, photo by Cowboy Bob Sorensen It was tricky getting home, but I finally parked, walked to the entrance and climbed the nine stairs to my apartment. When I realized a few minutes later (getting out of wet clothes was a priority) that I had pain and swelling below the kneecap (it felt like burning), I sought help. No way was I going to try to get to urgent care in this weather, so I used a video service where I could talk to medical professionals on the cell phone. The nurse prac...
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Bereavement, Integration, and the Trail

by Cowboy Bob Sorensen  As I wrote before , it has been two years since my wife suddenly died. My life-ending ideations are done. Someone mentioned I may have another twenty years to live (I turned sixty-five today), I dreaded it. Now I am going to stay on the trail. Something else to repeat is that Charlene would want me not only to continue to exist, but actually live . I still do some things in her honor. There are other aspects of my life that are changing but she is on my mind in new interests. On red trail at Shaupeneak Ridge, Unsplash / Cowboy Bob Sorensen There is an old Moody Blues tune called "My Song." Mike Pinder wrote it and it was, frankly (mind if I call you Frank?) silly. He wanted space aliens to come to Earth, helping us get straightened out. Well, the Creator did  come to Earth, and Jesus showed us the way... All this to say that one part of that song keeps coming back to me: "The change in these past years has made me see our world in many different w...
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The Second Anniversary for a Grieving Widower

by Cowboy Bob Sorensen  Today, Charlene has been gone for two years, but I think about her every day. Several times a day. Previous I mentioned that setting aside a day for memories does not work well because she is so frequently on my mind. But I can ponder my personal changes. Although I am alone with few friends and no family nearby, I hope that my thoughts and insights may be helpful to others. One again I want to emphasize that grief experiences are unique for each person. Indeed, each loss has a different response. Near center of walkway across Kingston-Rhinecliff Bridge, Unsplash / Cowboy Bob Sorensen Due to grief and other circumstances (still recovering from open-heart surgery), for a while I considered the Kingston-Rhinecliff Bridge as a jumping-off point. Those ideations are gone, and I recently walked on the bridge. Great day for pictures! The anniversary of her father's passing is September 19, the day before her own. Also, I had a recent cardiologist visit and i...
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Retooling Finances for Being Alone

 by Cowboy Bob Sorensen  This may sound callous, but I have mixed feelings about not having to answer to Charlene. Do not disunderstand me, she did not police or nag me, but I wanted to please her. That was often in the back of my mind. Now I have used this dubious freedom and let things go, even developing some bad habits. (Those have to change.) I have a reluctance to do some things because she is not here and I want her input. When it comes to finances, I have to plow ahead. Shopping cart with groceries, Unsplash / Karsten Winegeart Some things I say as a widower in a one-bedroom apartment obviously will not apply to many people, but mayhaps there are some things that people can draw from or adapt to their own situations. Further these things may apply to those who are not bereaved. As I said before, Charlene would not want my life to come to a halt because hers did. She would want me to survive and even thrive, doing what's best for me. Rent costs and electric usage are mo...
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She has been Gone a Year Now

by Cowboy Bob Sorensen  On September 20, 2023, my beloved Charlene went to be with the Lord. This was a few weeks after my open-heart surgery and the restrictions that came with it. The grief fog , legal matters, lingering effects from general anesthesia, and other things were an overwhelming combination for me. At one point, I was considering doing a swan dive off the Kingston-Rhinecliff Bridge . I sought out a church when I did not know if she was going to live or die, and the pastor essentially talked me down from the bridge. Kingston-Rhinecliff Bridge from Poet's Walk, Red Hook, NY, Unsplash / Cowboy Bob Sorensen Because of financial problems (I was unable to return to work, for one thing), I had the ideations again. Those have been settled, as I'll demonstrate. First, dental problems. With apprehension and reluctance, I had to go to Westchester Medical Center to have my jaw examined. The route involved crossing that very bridge. I was confident that I could do so without e...
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Grief and the Pain of Loneliness

by Cowboy Bob Sorensen  Bereavement is confusing in many ways, including how it has common elements among people but many aspects are also unique. When I lost my beloved Charlene ten months ago, I also lost my best friend of twenty-four years. We lived alone, and I am still alone. Charlene and I had no children, and her daughter from her first marriage died several years ago. My children have no use for me. Other people have lost spouses, children, parents, friends, and others. Their pain will vary. In many cases, surviving family members can share burdens and give each other emotional support. Churches can also be helpful. Still, that loss can be felt more keenly at certain times. Lonely Cowboy Bob looking out the window, image modified with dream effect and more There are times I want to tell her about things at the workplace that would interest or amuse her. I would have liked her opinion on the graphic I was making for this article, and she would have been amused at the setup a...
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The Mysterious Wedding Rings

My parents were deceased by the time Charlene and I were married, so I had their wedding rings in my possession. Two sets. The first was plain gold bands, the second was for their 50th anniversary. Those were a bit more ornate with a diamond. We opted for the second set. To wear my father's ring, I had to get it resized downward. It could not go any smaller, but it was still loose on my finger. I took it off for showering and other things, usually setting it on the dresser. One day, I realized it was missing. I never found it, and it has been months — possibly a year. Someone pointed out the look of love on her face when putting the ring on my finger. After Charlene suddenly died, I sought the original wedding ring set from my parents. I wanted to wear one because I still love her, and it was a connection to my father. (Even so, a co-worker tried to fix me up, "When you're ready to move on, I know a nice girl..." She was my wife and best friend, not a hamster to be re...
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